And So The Ice Begins To Melt

I used to not like the term “mini ego death” but now I think I understand more what It means (at least for me). Whilst out walking one day I started to think how I was behaving towards others, especially my partner and I realised I had once again let myself become bitter, angry, frustrated and just down right not nice. An overwhelming sense of guilt and regret washed over me as I realised the impact this is probably having on my partner. How can I expect him to be happier in the relationship and loving/affectionate towards me if I’m nit picking, saying what he should be doing, keeping an ice wall around me AND expecting him to be the one to break it down? This is so unreasonable, the poor guy! I didn’t realise I was acting this way until I stopped for a few moments to reflect.

Pride, fear and not wanting to be vulnerable all play a huge part in:

1. Not wanting to admit we were wrong in some way
2. Telling ourselves “I don’t want to reflect on myself I’m fine!”
3. Building a wall around us and our hearts

Putting down our sword and shield can feel dangerous. Especially if we’re used to pain, emotional turmoil and disappointment. As strange as it sounds, a relationship or situation which is safe, steady and doesn’t take us for a regular ride on the emotional rollercoaster, can actually feel unsafe or boring because it is not familiar to us. Our body and subconscious mind don’t know what to do! This causes us to backpedal into more familiar thoughts, feelings and actions thus repeating a cycle we were hoping to break.

Some useful questions to ask are:

“Is this fortress around me REALLY helping me? Or is it hurting me?”

“How is it helping me? How is it hurting me?”

“How would I feel if I put down my sword and shield? What am I truly afraid of? How does it feel in my body?”

My ego did not like this realisation of course and chimed in insisting that it wasn’t me at all it was just THEM. “The only reason you’re feeling and acting this way is because of what THEY’RE doing. So you’re perfectly justified to keep feeling this way”. It was (and still is) uncomfortable as f**k to ignore this insecure ‘ego voice’ and allow myself to soften and begin to radiate the warmth that will steadily melt the ice wall around me. But, just acknowledging my own actions and wounds feels like a big step in the right direction.